It happens randomly and without any warning; one moment you’re fine and the next you’re reeling from anxiety and a collection of depressive thoughts. It happens randomly, but there’s always a trigger.
“What are you doing?” You may ask one day, trying to bridge a gap of silence between yourself and a friend who has grown increasingly disinterested in the past few hours.
After nearly an hour you’ll finally receive a reply.
“Oh, just talking to John.”
They don’t mean anything by it and they don’t think you’ll read so far into it, but you do. You’ll wonder who John is and why he’s important enough to take your friend away from you - what makes him better and more deserving than you? Did you not do enough? Were you not available enough?
A swell of panic will replace the feeling of comfortability; silences that were once welcome and relieving will suddenly be overbearing and riddled with unspoken questions. Above all else, though, you’ll be hurt. You’ll be hurt because you are no longer needed - someone has replaced you and you’re doomed to be forgotten.
You’ll confront your friend and cry to them, revealing that you’re terrified of losing them to another person - you want to be their priority, dammit, not just another option. They’ll respond by kindly reminding you that you’re special and irreplaceable and, for a while, everything will be fine.
Things will be normal for days, maybe weeks, and for a little while you’ll wonder why you even worried. It’s silly, you’ll think, that someone as unimportant as John could take your dear friend from you. After all, you’re the more important one aren’t you? You’re the one they spend the most time with… how could he even compare?
But then doubt will creep into your mental palace. Everything you told yourself - every lie and untruth - will creep up on you in the middle of the night, shattering your reality and reducing you to nothing more than a sniveling lump of flesh and bone.
Luckily, most of this can be avoided by telling yourself that most of the problem is in your head. Your social ineptness and general anxiety are what’s creating such an issue - it’s nothing that can’t be drown out with enough Prozac or Xanax, you’ll tell yourself half-heartedly with the hopes of curing yourself of such irrational worry.
Keep reminding yourself that this person still loves you, they just love other people as well… It’ll take a while, but you’ll adjust. You’ll get through this, I know you will, because there will always be someone else to fill their place.