Solitude
I don’t like venturing out of my house - I’ll make that clear right now. I spent twelve to fourteen hours a day writing on my book or other little collaborations that I’ve developed over the years. No, I don’t always stay inside my house - but, if given a choice, I would choose to remain indoors.
Sometimes I become filled with energy and the need to escape, to inhale the fresh air of the country side and exhale the stale air of the indoors for a moment, and when that need arises… I drive. Occasionally I walk, but mostly I drive.
With the car windows down, creating a constant suction and circulation of air within the automobile, I can be buffeted by the sun and wind to my heart’s content - truly, it’s marvelous. While I drive, I usually listen to music (preferably CDs, lately my selections have ranged from Mumford and Sons to Nirvana) or I talk to myself, sorting out little details of the day (or week) that haven’t quiet gone according to plan.
I also drive because I need the space - I genuinely need to be alone. Contrary to popular belief, being a recluse isn’t as bad as it seems. Sure, there are days when I wish I could talk to people and visit friends… but mostly, I want to be alone. When I do need a friend to talk to or someone to listen to me, there’s M, who is a phenomenal individual for putting up with my constant rain of emotional bull shit (pardon the french). Even when alone or needing space, I still love to keep contact with her. So maybe I’m not entirely alone, maybe I’m just selective.
I worry arms-length friends and family members with my habits, but explaining that I am most happy by myself seems only to lead to trouble. It’s a shame, too, as I’ve tried to tell them that large crowds have the opposite affect on me as it does them — sometimes I just want to keep the company of myself and my thoughts.
I think Audrey Hepburn explained it best when she said this: “I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.”
Sometimes it’s necessary to step back, disappear, and reemerge only when you’re ready — making people understand that is no easy feat.
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